Diaries of a MAD pregnant woman

I really shouldn't be posting things in my frame of mind but I've heard that it is therapeutic to write your feelings down.  I don't really know what to be more mad at: the hospital, my doctor, or my uterus.  I'm going to go with my uterus because it is obviously dysfunctional.  I mean, come on, to throw me into full blown labor when I'm only 32 weeks pregnant?  What is up with that?  Most normal women go into labor and they have a baby, but not me.  I go into labor and we make a mad dash to the hospital to get it stopped so we don't have a baby in the NICU.  Then comes the bedrest.  You would think it would be nice to have people wait on you hand and foot, get your meals, wash your clothes and dishes, take care of your kids, sounds like a vacay right?  Well, for me it is nerve racking hearing my life go on around me but I'm really not a part of it.  I can hear chaos from my bedroom but I can't go out, and I can hear crying but I shouldn't get up to go comfort.  It's not  that I don't appreciate all the help, it's just hard to let someone else do my job.  So after two weeks on bedrest the dr tells me, with Trent present, that if I make it to my next appt I can be completely off bedrest and do whatever I want.  I am so pumped!  I know I can do it!  Then, enters dysfunctional uterus again. I start contracting one night and for two hrs I have irregular contractions, but contractions nonetheless. So, off to the hospital we go. We get there, they hook me up to the monitors and I kid you not within minutes, no more contractions. I just start to cry because I know they are going to send me home. I cry all the way home. I am angry at my stupid body.

So I make it to my appt secretly hoping that I'm dialated to a 6 and the dr breaks my water with all that contracting, but I'm only a three):  And, then the dr proceeds to tell me that he is going on vacation and would like me to stay on bedrest another 10 days until he gets back!  I want to scream.  The disappointment and frustration are palpable.  I think the dr left the room quickly because he knew that he might not make it out alive if he stayed any longer.  I like my dr, but really at this point, I don't really care who delivers this kid.  So, true to my nature, I took myself off bedrest.  The funny thing is, not a whole lot happened after I started being a normal pregnant woman again.  I'm up and about and not a lot of contracting happening.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm feeling like it's ok if I go to my due date because I feel good and I'm able to do normal mommy things.  Then, enters dysfunctional uterus!  AGAIN!  I start contracting again, but I'm not fool.  I'm not going up to the hospital after only 2 hrs of contractions so I wait 3 hrs which is good because they stopped.  But all through the night I would wake up with a few contractions and then go back to sleep.  When I woke up in the morning, I had a few more, and then....they stopped.  I was so tired that I didn't go to church.  I tried to rest but by the time church was over, the contractions had started again.  This time they were actually feeling pretty strong and they were between 4 and 6 minutes apart.  We again headed to the hospital, excited because I knew they wouldn't stop them.  I had consistent contractions all the way up there.  They hook me up to the monitor and I am still having some contractions but you will never believe what happened, oh, yes you will, they didn't completely stop but they were so spread apart that I wasn't in active labor and because I wasn't 39 weeks pregnant, they couldn't do anything to help me.  By this time I am so angry with my body that I just want to cut out my uterus and chop it into little pieces and throw it in the river.  I mean, seriously, whose body does this to them?  It is so mean on so many levels.  Maybe it's the smell of the hospital, or maybe it was the old nurse who would be asssisting me, but my body was having none of it and they sent us home AGAIN!

I told Trent that he better watch some birthing videos or something so he knows how to deliver this baby because I am not going to the hospital again.  He just laughed at me but seriously, the next time, I'm going to have to wait 4 hrs before I go up  and then it may be too late.  I really don't want to have this baby in the Gorge.  My uterus is whacked!  I think this is the Lord's way of telling me that the baby shop needs to close for good, and today, I'm okay with that.  It is just really hard to be out in public because everyone knows I was on bedrest, and now I'm not but still pregnant.  They say stuff like, "I thought you would be skinnier by now" or "when are you going to have that kid"  or "oh, you are carrying so low". 

36 weeks!

I know my baby is going to be healthy.  He would be considered full term because I am 37 weeks according to the ultrasound and the hospital, but not my dr, the wienee.  I had the steriod shots for his lungs three weeks ago so no NICU for him.  I guess it is just fitting that the first and the last should be born in the months they was actually due.  So, if you see me and I've got a scowl on my face, just ignore me because I'm probably having a contraction that I know isn't going to go anywhere or I've just come back from the dr's office with the news that my baby's head is too big and I'm going to have to have a C-section.